Facing fear:
Well, the time had come. I was in my car driving to a neighboring town and thinking - and thinking hard. I think every emotion possible was surfacing in me somewhere or other. I couldn't help but reflect back on a few events that had brought me to this point and had to laugh about it. As a relatively recently self-professed "naturist", I had begun to associate with other naturists and one day a local artist contacted another naturist that I was quite familiar with asking about the possibility of nude models. He, in turn, contacted me, among others, and this was how I learned about a local artist that was doing figure study and seeking nude models to help him in his pursuit.
I had long wanted to do something like that, even though the anxiety it created within me was almost indescribable. To my surprise, the artist indicated that he would very much like to work from some nude male models. This seemed unusual to me, because I'm well aware that generally the female models are more desireable and more difficult to get. But, in his circumstances, that was apparently not the case, and he sought a little more "balanced" approach between male and female models for his study.
In any case, I was very intrigued, and wrote a fairly lengthy e-mail to the artist inquiring about it and talking about how I felt, specifically about nudity and such. I honestly didn't even expect a reply. But, he did reply. I almost didn't dare read his reply, but in his reply he suggested that I might be better served by contacting somebody else a little closer that was conducting regular figure drawing sessions for groups of artists. I thought about that and concluded that I just wasn't comfortable in a group setting like that, and replied back accordingly.
Some time went by and I assumed I wouldn't hear from him again, but I was still very curious. I discussed my continued curiosity with another artist with whom I had become close friends. I had actually modeled for him a few months earlier, but because we live far apart it was done via photo which is a little different, not to mention a different story. My friend encouraged me to contact the local artist again. I proceeded to type up another e-mail, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to contact him again, or not. So, I decided just to type up a potential e-mail to him and think about it for a while. However, I accidentally hit the "send" button on the e-mail message, instead of the "save" button...... oops....
A couple of weeks went by and I figured I was "safe". I wasn't going to hear from him anyway. But, one day, I looked at my e-mail and there was an e-mail from him. He asked if I would be available to model for him on Monday or Tuesday of the next week. I nearly choked. I had decided that I was serious about it, so I replied back that Tuesday sounded better to me. The only real reason was that it was one day further away. He in turn replied that Tuesday would work fine and we agreed to a schedule. When I sent the final e-mail agreeing to the date, time, and location, I was literally shaking, both with anticipation and fear. I was now completely "committed" to doing this, and I knew it.
The next several days were interesting. My anxiety was off the charts. I was hardly even able to sleep I was so worked up. I had become very comfortable at being nude in naturist-like settings with other naturists. However, I had read countless accounts of other's first-time nude modeling experiences and knew that being in a naturist environment and being a nude model are very different things. As the few days counted down, I was really struggling with my anxiety, and considering contacting the artist and saying, "I'm sorry, but I just can't go through with this". The day before, he contacted me again and indicated that he'd prefer to not do a one-on-one modeling session and had also invited another artist to attend. This nearly pushed me right over the edge, but I could certainly understand why he would want to do that, so I agreed.
So, as I'm driving my car, I'm thinking. Here I am, going to meet a guy that I know very little about, have never seen before, take off all my clothes and let him and a friend of his, that I know even less about, study me for four hours. It's surprising that I was able to keep the car on the road, clearly my thoughts were elsewhere, and I was a rather distracted driver. I was so confused that I had trouble finding the location, even though the address was fairly clear. Fortunately, I had his phone number and called him and he directed me through the last little bit.
I intentionally arrived about 1/2 hour earlier than we had agreed. I had hoped we would be able to talk and that I could get a feel for things for a bit. He must have thought the same as he showed me a great deal of his figure drawing study work and talked to me at length about it. I was very impressed. I was also very impressed that his values seemed to be completely in line with my own. This was very important to me. I'm aware of "naturists" that seem to think that "anything goes" nudity-wise or sometimes even beyond that. I am not one of them. I consider myself a very chaste, moral, and decent person. Or at least I try very hard to be that. He also informed me that the other artist he had invited was unable to make it, so it would just be me and him. I hoped that didn't make him uncomfortable, it probably made me feel a little bit better.
Of course I wasn't there just to see his previous drawings, as impressive as they were, and we reached the point where he was getting things set up for the figure drawing session. I had actually become quite comfortable talking with him, but with the realization of what was about to happen, my anxiety returned. I really felt bad that I had contacted him and asked for this opportunity and yet I was so nervous. I watched as he went over in front of a white background (screen) and proceeded to set-up a stand. I watched as he put carpet as padding on it and another cloth covering over the top of that. He showed me how he could turn his stand allowing him any view of the pose without having to move the model. This seemed neat, but I can't say that I found much comfort in it. I was certainly feeling like I was about to be become a naked lab rat.
As he was starting to get some other props and getting the lighting ready and such, I figured I'd best get started getting undressed. This wasn't a very formal session as figure drawing goes, and we were both males, and I did find some limited comfort in those facts. I really didn't think I had anything under my clothes that could be too shocking. As I was getting undressed he told me that he was still setting up and that it would be a few minutes. I replied that was o.k. because it was going to take me a few minutes. I slipped off my shoes and socks (no big deal there). Then I slipped off my shirt. I turned and watched him setting up the lights. It was almost more than I could take. For a minute I thought sure I was going to pass right out on the floor. I must have at least turned white, because I could feel the blood draining from my head. I seriously feared fainting (and that's something I've never done). It took me a while to get the courage to remove my pants. I swear the room was spinning at the time. I was absolutely petrified. I couldn't believe I was actually going to do this.
But, I was determined. As a naturist, I absolutely believe whole-heartedly in the pure and innocent nature of nudity, under appropriate circumstances, and was very much wanting to make a "statement" of my own through art, in this way. I was going to get the better of this, it wasn't going to get the better of me. I slipped off my pants and tossed them on the floor and just began walking about the room a bit to try to calm myself down. My biggest fear was, of course, probably the biggest fear of many nude male models. I don't want to elaborate on this, but rest assured I was really fighting it, and even I don't know why. It's absurd, it really is, but the anxiety is intense, and that seems to be one of the results, no matter how badly we don't want it to be. And, I most certainly didn't want it, and it only served to heighten the anxiety even more, in something of a vicious cycle.
The plan was to actually take a few photos of various poses initially, that he wanted to use for some other art projects after I had gone. Being a naturist, this was far from the first time I had been photographed nude. But, that certainly didn't release all of my anxiety about it, not by a long stretch. On top of this, being largely unfamiliar with art, and nearly clueless about modeling, I really didn't have any idea how I should pose. Fortunately, he directed me. It was clear to me that if I decided to do more modeling, I would need to learn some things.
We relatively quickly finished the photos and he seemed pleased with a couple of them, and I was very happy about that. Now for the hard part. I knew I was going to be there "naked and on display" on a stand with lights shining toward me for hours to come. As I said, I've read numerous accounts of this experience, but I don't think anybody who hasn't actually done it can really know what it's like. I think I must have been there at least an hour before I finally started to calm down - just a little, anyway. Of course at this point it gets to be difficult to hold still. Being a nervous energy kind-of a guy, anyway, this was no small challenge, but I tried to do my best.
I had to leave at a certain time and eventually that time came. He had shown me his drawing at various points as he was doing it. I had mixed emotions about this, because as neat as it was to see, it was easier to not think about it too much. But, at the end he handed me his drawing. He had not been able to entirely complete it in the time that we had, but it was still a very impressive drawing. Many emotions ran through me as I studied that drawing. I was in shock, for one. It was me that he had drawn, there was no question about that. It was quite literally "all of me", at that. I also felt very humbled, and very impressed. I realized that I had just taken part in something very special, despite all of my nervousness and anxiety. I greatly regretted my anxiety and realized just how silly it really was.
I got dressed and as I was leaving he handed me the original drawing. I argued with him that I couldn't take that, but he really seemed to want me to have it. I nearly cried. For me, at least, this was one incredibly emotional experience, that had taken me almost everywhere inside my own mind. I will never forget it, and I don't want to. That is why I have written this, right after the experience. I honestly do not know what is next, but in the back of my mind, I can't keep myself from thinking "pose for a group of artists, you can do it - prove that to yourself, at least once". I know I made a lousy model, I was simply much too nervous and had trouble remaining still and keeping my thoughts from waundering. But, even so, it was still a very rewarding experience. Partly because the sense of accomplishment at having conquered one's own fears following the event is in fact proportional to the anxiety going into it. I would highly encourage anyone so inclined to face their fears and go for it! I did, and I'm glad. And, it only took me nearly 20 years of thinking about it....
Figure drawings by artist:
Royce Deans - updated 17 December 2004
Brian Barnabas Bednarek (Brine)
Outdoorbare - updated 17 December 2004
Antoine de Villiers - added 17 December 2004
Please note all figure drawings shown here are copyright protected by the artist that made the drawing. They are used here by permission, and are to remain only here without written permission from the artist.
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